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		<title>How To Pick Your First Anger Management Area</title>
		<link>http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/09/23/how-to-pick-your-first-anger-management-area-anger-management-series-part-iv/</link>
		<comments>http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/09/23/how-to-pick-your-first-anger-management-area-anger-management-series-part-iv/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 23 Sep 2008 19:47:15 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Avani Mehta</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Anger Management]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Featured]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[The question to ask yourself is - What is the easiest option I can work upon, what is the most comfortable of all.<p><a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/09/23/how-to-pick-your-first-anger-management-area-anger-management-series-part-iv/">How To Pick Your First Anger Management Area</a> is a post from: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com">Avani-Mehta.com</a>

Download & Share: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/downloads/1">The Fabulous Motivators E-Book</a>.</p>
]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><img src="http://www.avani-mehta.com/wp-content/uploads/AngerManagementIV.jpg" alt="Anger Management IV Kid Punch" /><br />
Photo Courtesy of <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ciadefoto/2721930697/">Cia De Foto</a></p>
<p><strong><a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/tag/anger-management/" target="_blank"><strong>Anger Management Series</strong></a> provides self help material to deal with anger. It raises and answers questions like &#8211; how to control anger, how to become anger-free etc. It attempts to do so by understanding anger, putting together varied anger management strategies and reviewing books on the same subject.</strong></p>
<p><a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/08/19/decoding-anger-anger-management-series-part-i/">[Click here for Part I : Decoding Anger]<br />
</a></p>
<p><a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/09/03/how-did-you-form-your-current-anger-management-style-anger-management-series-part-ii/">[Click here for Part II : How Did We Form Our Current Anger Management Style]<br />
</a></p>
<p><a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/09/11/kaizen-way-of-managing-anger-anger-management-series-part-iii/">[Click here for Part III : Kaizen Way of Managing Anger]<br />
</a></p>
<h3>How To Pick Your First Anger Management Area</p>
</h3>
<h4><strong><br />
Flight Or Fight Response</p>
<p></strong></h4>
<p>It is said that anger is a natural emotion and hence shouldn&#8217;t be played with. There is a reason for anger to be a part of the varied emotions that we feel &#8211; anger is a response to danger. In early days, anger helped us take quick action in life or death kind of situations. </p>
<p>I don&#8217;t follow this reasoning well because we aren&#8217;t who we were then. We don&#8217;t live life the way we used to then. When we give out a natural response in situations which seem like danger to us, we are basically simply reacting to the event. And the only natural reaction to danger that we know of is to fight or flight.</p>
<p>In my early days, I too reacted to anger with fight or flight. Sadly, neither worked. A fight became a battle of wills, a battle of who is right. Of course to me I was always right and ditto with the other party (After a point, it anyways didn&#8217;t matter. All that mattered was who won the battle). And a flight became avoiding confrontations, avoiding anger, keeping everything bottled within. An anger which keeps boiling within is all consuming. It finds it&#8217;s release either by draining the anger keeper physically and emotionally or it explodes and transforms from flight to fight (equally unproductive).</p>
<p>As is obvious, I wasn&#8217;t happy with either ways of managing anger &#8211; the passive style (flight) and the agressive style (fight). Neither style gave me what I wanted &#8211; a sensible solution to whatever the problem was. And hence, I began to work on myself.</p>
<h4><strong><br />
Pick What&#8217;s Easiest To Do</p>
<p></strong></h4>
<p>My first choice was to practice releasing anger. Most of you might be expecting a really good reasoning for why I picked up releasing anger (<a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/09/11/kaizen-way-of-managing-anger-anger-management-series-part-iii/">working with the emotion of anger</a>) rather than <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/09/11/kaizen-way-of-managing-anger-anger-management-series-part-iii/">working on source of anger</a> or other options of working with the emotion of anger (like controlling anger, redirecting anger etc). Truth is, I didn&#8217;t have such a good understanding of anger or what forms anger management. My interest was only in making life easy and easiest way for me to do so was releasing anger.</p>
<p>Some of the advantages of working on the emotion of anger are that you work on it on your own, at your own pace and at your own time and convenience. No one else is involved in this process and hence you can experiment as much as you like. It is rarely going to impact others directly &#8211; it&#8217;s a private and internal process.</p>
<p><em>When you seek to pick up one area of anger management, the question to ask yourself is &#8211; What is the easiest option I can work upon, what is the most comfortable of all.<br />
</em></p>
<h4><strong><br />
<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareto_principle">The Pareto Principle</a></p>
<p></strong></h4>
<p>For me it was releasing anger because it meant making use of a lot of thoughts, logic and self reflection &#8211; things which I was already comfortable in. Working on releasing anger meant putting in a little effort and getting great results &#8211; a complete win-win.</p>
<p><em>The other way to pick up an area of anger management to work upon is by following the Pareto principle &#8211; also known as the 80-20 principle. It is said that 80% of effects come from 20% of causes. So what you need to do is figure out, what your 20% is which will give you 80% of results. In what area, you can work minimum and gain maximum advantage.</em></p>
<h4><strong><br />
A Few Examples</p>
<p></strong></h4>
<p>Had I been an aggressive person, releasing anger would be the last of my worries. My first prime most focus would have been on redirecting anger. This is because as an aggressive person, I could hurt others by words and actions (which obviously I don&#8217;t want to). Moreover, releasing anger through self reflection would have been really difficult. I would have needed some kind of activity to focus on, something which took a lot of energy. And hence, redirection makes sense &#8211; exercise, play sports, dance &#8230; anything which is physical. Once through these activities I calm down, releasing anger through self reflection, working on the source of problem etc would be possible.</p>
<p>If there is a particular time period in which I am prone to anger &#8211; late evening coz I am tired or PMS or some project deadline, working on the source of anger would make sense. I would work on relaxing myself, taking some time off, do something which makes me happy etc. This automatically will reduce the effect of tiredness, nervousness etc. Moreover, along with the source, I would also work on sorting external events which could trigger anger &#8211; this could mean communicating with family members about how I feel &#8211; even a simple stay out of my way for a while message would work wonders. By helping others to help me, I can pass this tough time easily, without getting angry.</p>
<p><em>This is Part IV of <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/tag/anger-management/" target="_blank"><strong>Anger Management Series</strong></a>. Stay Tuned for <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/09/30/honor-your-anger-style-anger-management-series-part-v/">Part V</a>.</em></p>
<p><em>To ensure that you do not miss any part of this series, consider subscribing to <a rel="alternate" type="application/rss+xml" href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/avani-mehta">RSS Feed</a> or <a href="http://www.feedburner.com/fb/a/emailverifySubmit?feedId=2076012&amp;loc=en_US">Email Updates</a> for free.</em></p>
<p><strong>Update : <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/09/30/honor-your-anger-style-anger-management-series-part-v/">How To Pick Your First Anger Management Area &#8211; Anger Management Series Part IV</a></strong> </p>
<p><a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/09/23/how-to-pick-your-first-anger-management-area-anger-management-series-part-iv/">How To Pick Your First Anger Management Area</a> is a post from: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com">Avani-Mehta.com</a>

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		<item>
		<title>Living Life Child Like</title>
		<link>http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/08/11/living-life-child-like/</link>
		<comments>http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/08/11/living-life-child-like/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 11 Aug 2008 22:36:10 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Avani Mehta</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Featured]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Happiness]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.avani-mehta.com/?p=85</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[How to become child-like and experience the wonders of childhood in our day to day life <p><a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/08/11/living-life-child-like/">Living Life Child Like</a> is a post from: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com">Avani-Mehta.com</a>

Download & Share: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/downloads/1">The Fabulous Motivators E-Book</a>.</p>
]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><img src="http://www.avani-mehta.com/wp-content/uploads/Swing.jpg" alt="Swing Childhood Childlike" /><br />
<em>Photo Courtesy of <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/afferent/2270161663/">Afferent-Rapture</a></em></p>
<blockquote><p><strong>So, Like A Forgotten Fire, A Childhood Can Always Flare Up Again Within Us.  &#8211; Gaston Bachelard</strong></p></blockquote>
<p>There is something magical about childhood that makes all of us wish to revisit it. I used to wonder, is it possible to bring elements of childhood to our present life. Is it possible to live life in such a way that we can experience the wonders of childhood for life.</p>
<p>As I look back at all of my cherished memories, what stands out is that though individual experiences cannot be brought back, I can bring back who I was then and live life fully &#8211; the way a child does. I can live life child-like by being childlike.</p>
<h3>1. Give Happiness It&#8217;s Place</h3>
<blockquote><p><strong>There Is A Garden In Every Childhood, An Enchanted Place Where Colors Are Brighter, The Air Softer, And The Morning More Fragrant Than Ever Again. &#8211; Elizabeth Lawrence<br />
</strong></p></blockquote>
<p>Every emotion in life has it&#8217;s own place and importance. And from all of them, some form the center of our life. As adults, we give way too much importance to sadness and worry and make them our center. We keep looking out for opportunities to be happy &#8211; but because it is not our center, sooner or later we have to leave it and go back to sadness and worry. </p>
<p>It seems, children are more intelligent than us. They have put happiness in their life center. And everyday, they keep building habits that strongly tie happiness to the center. Everyday they seek and create more and more reasons for happiness to stay in center. For some fleeting moments, they do get sad, but because of their strong habits, they come back to Happiness effortessly.</p>
<h3>2. Remove All Labels</h3>
<blockquote><p><strong>A Grownup Is A Child With Layers On.  &#8211; Woody Harrelson</strong></p></blockquote>
<p>We use labels to describe ourselves and others. However, labels have such power that once set, they define us rather than we defining them. They influence our thoughts and actions. They influence the way we see ourselves and others.</p>
<p>Hence, remove all labels that you have set for yourself and for others. Let nothing stop you. What happened before, need not happen now. No one should be judged based on their past. No ones potential can be determined by how they have lived so far.</p>
<p>Believe in self and others. Not in the labels. Kids do this. Kids don&#8217;t have labels. Yesterday they were pilots, today they are doctors and tomorrow they will be supermodels.</p>
<h3>3. Short Term Memory Wins In Long Term</h3>
<blockquote><p><strong>I Wish I Didn&#8217;t Know Now What I Didn&#8217;t Know Then.  -Bob Seger</strong></p></blockquote>
<p>Bad memory is a gift. Everyone should have one. It&#8217;s a blessing for relationships. Kids fight and make up and forget all about it. Adults fight and then they fight. It never goes beyond that. If they are lucky, they may make up with each other. But the fight is not forgotten. It is saved for the next fight.</p>
<p>As a kid, I have had my share of fights with siblings. And for every fight, there was only one answer &#8211; we were asked to stay in one room till we made up. Within 5 minutes, we not only made up, we were best of buddies again. Most importantly, the fight was forgotten the moment we made up.</p>
<h3>4. Fun, Fun And Fun</h3>
<blockquote><p><strong>Kids: They Dance Before They Learn There Is Anything That Isn&#8217;t Music. -William Stafford </strong></p></blockquote>
<p>This of course is everyones favourite &#8211; having fun in each activity, have a blast no matter where we are and what are we doing. Kids are very creative over here. A set of cards is not just a game, it is money and palace and huts and trains and secret pass keys and what not.  They not only have fun but they make having fun a top priority. Everyday, there is time for school and studies and loads of fun. We need to learn how to balance our life from them. </p>
<h3>5. Open The Wonder Eye</h3>
<blockquote><p><strong>There Are No Seven Wonders Of The World In The Eyes Of A Child. There Are Seven Million.</strong></p></blockquote>
<p>To experience being a kid, learn something new &#8211; on your own or through a class. Fresh experiences makes one alive. It removes stagnation and boredom from ones life and fills it with curiousity and wonder. Kids are interested in each and everything. They have unlimited number of questions and the more we answer, the more they will ask. Their favourite one of course is &#8216;Why&#8217; to everything we say and all our answers.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/08/11/living-life-child-like/">Living Life Child Like</a> is a post from: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com">Avani-Mehta.com</a>

Download & Share: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/downloads/1">The Fabulous Motivators E-Book</a>.</p>
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		<title>How Fart Can Make You Grow Spiritually &#8211; Su Dongpo&#8217;s Story</title>
		<link>http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/08/08/how-fart-can-make-you-grow-spiritually-su-dongpos-story/</link>
		<comments>http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/08/08/how-fart-can-make-you-grow-spiritually-su-dongpos-story/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 08 Aug 2008 18:09:01 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Avani Mehta</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Featured]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Very Short Stories]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.avani-mehta.com/?p=82</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[A hilarious incident from Su Dongpo's life which became a turning point for him in spiritual development.<p><a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/08/08/how-fart-can-make-you-grow-spiritually-su-dongpos-story/">How Fart Can Make You Grow Spiritually &#8211; Su Dongpo&#8217;s Story</a> is a post from: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com">Avani-Mehta.com</a>

Download & Share: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/downloads/1">The Fabulous Motivators E-Book</a>.</p>
]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><img src="http://www.avani-mehta.com/wp-content/uploads/Monk.jpg" alt="Monk" /><br />
<em>Photo Courtesy of <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/losangeles/220170624/">beggs</a></em></p>
<p>Su Shi (1036-1101), also known as Su Dongpo was an avid student of Buddhist teachings. He was quick-witted and humorous; as a Zen Buddhism follower he was very serious and self-disciplined. He often discussed buddhism with his good friend, Zen Master Foyin. The two lived across the river from one another.</p>
<p>Following is an interesting and famous story about him and Zen Master Foyin. </p>
<p>One day, Su Dongpo felt inspired and wrote the following poem:</p>
<p><strong><em>I bow my head to the heaven within heaven<br />
Hairline rays illuminating the universe<br />
The eight winds cannot move me<br />
Sitting still upon the purple golden lotus<br />
</em></strong></p>
<p>The &#8220;eight winds&#8221; in the poem referred to praise, ridicule, honor, disgrace, gain, loss, pleasure and misery &#8211; interpersonal forces of the material world that drive and influence the hearts of men. Su Dongpo was saying that he has attained a higher level of spirituality, where these forces no longer affect him.</p>
<p>Impressed by himself, Su Dongpo sent a servant to hand-carry this poem to Foyin. He was sure that his friend would be equally impressed. When Foyin read the poem, he immediately saw that it was both a tribute to the Buddha and a declaration of spiritual refinement. Smiling, the Zen Master wrote &#8220;fart&#8221; on the manuscript and had it returned to Su Dongpo.</p>
<p>Su Dongpo was expecting compliments and a seal of approval. When he saw &#8220;fart&#8221; written on the manuscript, he was shocked . He burst into anger: <em>&#8220;How dare he insult me like this? Why that lousy old monk! He&#8217;s got a lot of explaining to do!&#8221; </em></p>
<p>Full of indignation, he rushed out of his house and ordered a boat to ferry him to the other shore as quickly as possible. He wanted to find Foyin and demand an apology. However, Foyin&#8217;s door closed. On the door was a piece of paper, for Su Dongpo. The paper had following two lines:</p>
<p><strong><em>The eight winds cannot move me<br />
One fart blows me across the river<br />
</em></strong></p>
<p>This stopped Su Dongpo cold. Foyin had anticipated this hot-headed visit. Su Dongpo&#8217;s anger suddenly drained away as he understood his friend&#8217;s meaning. If he really was a man of spiritual refinement,<br />
completely unaffected by the eight winds, then how could he be so easily provoked?</p>
<p>With a few strokes of the pen and minimal effort, Foyin showed that Su Dongpo was in fact not as spiritually advanced as he claimed to be. Ashamed but wiser, Su Dongpo departed quietly. </p>
<p>This event proved to be a turning point in Su Dongpo&#8217;s spiritual development. From that point on, he became a man of humility, and not merely someone who boasted of possessing the virtue.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/08/08/how-fart-can-make-you-grow-spiritually-su-dongpos-story/">How Fart Can Make You Grow Spiritually &#8211; Su Dongpo&#8217;s Story</a> is a post from: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com">Avani-Mehta.com</a>

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		<title>Cheat Codes To Have A Happy Marriage</title>
		<link>http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/07/28/cheat-codes-to-have-a-happy-marriage/</link>
		<comments>http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/07/28/cheat-codes-to-have-a-happy-marriage/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 28 Jul 2008 23:50:43 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Avani Mehta</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Featured]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Loving Relationships]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.avani-mehta.com/?p=78</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Creative ideas which can lead you to happy marriage - simple yet effective - just like cheat codes.<p><a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/07/28/cheat-codes-to-have-a-happy-marriage/">Cheat Codes To Have A Happy Marriage</a> is a post from: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com">Avani-Mehta.com</a>

Download & Share: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/downloads/1">The Fabulous Motivators E-Book</a>.</p>
]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><img src="http://www.avani-mehta.com/wp-content/uploads/MarriageHacks.jpg" alt="Happy Wedding Couple" /><br />
<em>Photo Courtest of <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/saffandi/499917609/" target="_blank">saffandiphoto.com</a></em></p>
<blockquote><p><strong>A Successful Marriage Requires Falling In Love Many Times, Always With The Same Person. &#8211; Mignon McLaughlin</strong></p></blockquote>
<p>I often remember times when I played video games and had cheat codes which made winning the game faster and easier. I have wished innumerable times to have cheat codes for winning a marriage, to have cheat codes for a happy marriage.</p>
<p>Of course I know that there are no short cuts to a happy marriage. The basics steps of &#8220;How to have a happy marriage&#8221; have to be applied. But, even then, wouldn&#8217;t it be great if there were some tips which made having a happy married life easier; Tips which are easy to implement and yet give tremendous results.</p>
<p>I didn&#8217;t have cheat codes for a happy marriage when I got married. But I sure found them later on while living the marriage. These obviously do not eliminate the basics &#8211; to love, to communicate, to laugh, to forgive etc. But they do increase chances of a happy married life drastically. And most importantly, they work.</p>
<h3>Cheat Codes To Have A Happy Marriage</h3>
<h4><strong>1. Work On The Score Card</strong></h4>
<blockquote><p><strong>In Every Marriage More Than A Week Old, There Are Grounds For Divorce. The Trick Is To Find, And Continue To Find, Grounds For Marriage. &#8211; Robert Anderson </strong></p></blockquote>
<p>Imagine that you maintain a scorecard which marks your score against your spouse&#8217;s. The way to increase this score is to do something good for the other, to do something thoughtful, something out of the way. The way to increase this score is to be a great partner. Imagine this scorecard very well. Because we all unknowingly do keep this kind of score card which shows &#8220;How much did I do for my partner and how much did my partner do for me&#8221;.</p>
<p><strong>Throw away the score card</strong><br />
Now the most intelligent thing of course would be to throw away the scorecard. Because in love, marriage and relationships we don&#8217;t keep scores. But, throwing the score card away is not easy because most of time we don&#8217;t even know it exists. And by the time we realise it exists, it is too late &#8211; this is when huge battles arise about how you do everything and your partner doesn&#8217;t do anything.</p>
<p><strong>Hack the scoring mechanism</strong><br />
So what to do in this scenario? What can you do if not throw away the card? The answer is simple, hack the scoring mechanism. Find out opportunities to increase your partner&#8217;s score. Yes, not yours, your partner&#8217;s. Find excuses and reasons, even smallest of them to go ahead and increase score of your partner. As you do this, as you see your partner scoring way more than you, you will want to reciprocate.</p>
<p><strong>How to give scores?</strong><br />
It&#8217;s actually very simple, by appreciation. Appreciate everything that your partner does. Share this appreciation with yourself, your partner and everyone you know. Share how thoughtful your spouse is. Share everything that is good in your partner. Each and every small action, word of kindness deserves appreciation.</p>
<p><strong>Isn&#8217;t all this artificial, made up? Isn&#8217;t this like lying to yourself?</strong><br />
The things you appreciate are not lies. But over a period of time they are taken for granted. Appreciation brings them back to focus. Sometimes, we have everything in the world, but yet nothing &#8211; because we don&#8217;t value it. This simple act of appreciating even the tiniest thing that you have will fill your life with small wonders. And who wouldn&#8217;t be happy with a wonder-full life.</p>
<p><em>Update: Just a clarification -<br />
To everyone who have given feedback through comments that keeping scores is not healthy in a marriage, I fully agree. As I read again the way I wrote, I realise it is easy to misunderstand. But I am by no way in favour of keeping scores of who did what.</em></p>
<p><em>My idea is simple &#8211; find opportunities to be thankful and be in gratitude of your spouse. Everyday, find new things which make you feel lucky to have your spouse as your spouse. Mutual appreciation is a key to happy marriage. Create a habit of appreciating even the tiniest thing that your spouse does for you and who your spouse is.</em></p>
<h4><strong>2. Ask, And You Shall Recieve</strong></h4>
<blockquote><p><strong>Marriage Is The Alliance Of Two People, One Of Whom Never Remembers Birthdays And The Other Who Never Forgets. &#8211; Ogden Nash</strong></p></blockquote>
<p>Who knows you the best? Who knows your innermost desires? Who knows what do you want out of marriage, out of life, out of relationships? Who knows what will make you happy, what are your romantic fantasies, what are your dreams? The answer is obviously &#8220;You&#8221;. No one knows you better than you.</p>
<p>Then why not share your expertise on this subject (you) with your partner. Remove the guess work out of marriage. And use the knowledge that you gain about you and your partner to find creative ways to a happy married life.</p>
<p><strong>How to make your partner remember important occassions</strong><br />
What do you want? Do you want your partner to remember your birthday/anniversary (and your partner is forgetful)? Use this technique &#8211; one week before the occassion share with your partner how excited you are about the upcoming occassion. Share with your partner what would you like to have as a gift. You partner will happily go with your plans. By applying this simple technique, you are helping your relationship &#8211; you remove the disappointment you might have got if your partner forgot the occassion, you remove the probable fight out of picture and most importantly, you have set yourself for a great day, a great celebration for the occassion.</p>
<p><strong>How to get some silent space at home after a long day at work</strong><br />
What do you want? Do you want some quite time with yourself when you come back home? Do you wish to spend some time with yourself before spending time with your partner? Something as simple as sharing this desire with your partner would be enough to get what you want. Tell your partner you want some quite time for ___ mins. And then you will be all set to be attentive, talkative &#8230; whatever is required. Don&#8217;t assume your partner will understand you are not in mood to talk/listen. Don&#8217;t assume your partner will understand you need some space. Don&#8217;t assume, share and ask for it.</p>
<p><strong>Help your partner to give what you want</strong><br />
The idea is pretty simple, whatever you want from your partner, help your partner to give it. Make marriage a smooth ride by stating the obvious if that is what it takes. Don&#8217;t leave anything to guess work. Ask for what you want and you will get it.</p>
<h4><strong>3. Experience What Your Partner Experiences In True Sense</strong></h4>
<blockquote><p><strong>The More Connections You And Your Lover Make, Not Just Between Your Bodies, But Between Your Minds, Your Hearts, And Your Souls, The More You Will Strengthen The Fabric Of Your Relationship. &#8211; Barbara De Angelis </strong></p></blockquote>
<p>What is more work? To be a money maker or a home maker? How much effort is needed to manage bills? How many hours of work is it to plan for an outing? How tough is it to keep house neat? How difficult is it to manage groceries and other household requirements? How draining is travelling for work and coming back? How crazy is it to manage kids and nappies?</p>
<p><strong>Switch Responsibilities</strong><br />
Only the one who has worked on these would truly know about it. As aptly said &#8211; only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches. Then, how to really get others point of view. How to  really understand and empathise and appreciate what our partner is doing. The answer to this one is also very simple, switch responsibilities for a while wherever possible.</p>
<p>If your partner plans for an outing everytime, this time you do the same. And let your partner enjoy the trip. If your partner manages home and kids, for whatever time possible, you do the same and let your partner enjoy. Not only will this be refreshing for your partner, it will also give you insight about what your partner has to do. And the next time, you want to complain about something, you will remember your experience and surely change your mind. Experience what your partner experiences. This will bring you close and help you to understand and appreciate each other faster than any thing else.</p>
<p><em><strong>Update </strong>: This article got on front page of stumble upon. A big thanks to everyone for their thumbs up and review.</p>
<p>Thanks again for making the next article &#8211; <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/08/04/salt-of-a-happy-marriage-when-too-much-of-a-good-thing-makes-a-marriage-go-bad/">Salt Of A Happy Marriage &#8211; When Too Much Of A Good Thing Makes A Marriage Go Bad</a> popular as well.<br />
</em></p>
<p><em><strong>Books </strong></em>:</p>
<p><iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=avanimehta-20&#038;o=1&#038;p=8&#038;l=as1&#038;asins=0752837265&#038;md=10FE9736YVPPT7A0FBG2&#038;fc1=000000&#038;IS2=1&#038;lt1=_blank&#038;m=amazon&#038;lc1=0000FF&#038;bc1=FFFFFF&#038;bg1=FFFFFF&#038;f=ifr&#038;npa=1" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=avanimehta-20&#038;o=1&#038;p=8&#038;l=as1&#038;asins=0399521372&#038;md=10FE9736YVPPT7A0FBG2&#038;fc1=000000&#038;IS2=1&#038;lt1=_blank&#038;m=amazon&#038;lc1=0000FF&#038;bc1=FFFFFF&#038;bg1=FFFFFF&#038;f=ifr&#038;npa=1" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0"></iframe></p>
<p><iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=avanimehta-20&#038;o=1&#038;p=8&#038;l=as1&#038;asins=1599754169&#038;md=10FE9736YVPPT7A0FBG2&#038;fc1=000000&#038;IS2=1&#038;lt1=_blank&#038;m=amazon&#038;lc1=0000FF&#038;bc1=FFFFFF&#038;bg1=FFFFFF&#038;f=ifr&#038;npa=1" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=avanimehta-20&#038;o=1&#038;p=8&#038;l=as1&#038;asins=1414300239&#038;md=10FE9736YVPPT7A0FBG2&#038;fc1=000000&#038;IS2=1&#038;lt1=_blank&#038;m=amazon&#038;lc1=0000FF&#038;bc1=FFFFFF&#038;bg1=FFFFFF&#038;f=ifr&#038;npa=1" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0"></iframe></p>
<p><iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=avanimehta-20&#038;o=1&#038;p=8&#038;l=as1&#038;asins=1569244758&#038;md=10FE9736YVPPT7A0FBG2&#038;fc1=000000&#038;IS2=1&#038;lt1=_blank&#038;m=amazon&#038;lc1=0000FF&#038;bc1=FFFFFF&#038;bg1=FFFFFF&#038;f=ifr&#038;npa=1" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0" align="left"></iframe><iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=avanimehta-20&#038;o=1&#038;p=8&#038;l=as1&#038;asins=0786891106&#038;md=10FE9736YVPPT7A0FBG2&#038;fc1=000000&#038;IS2=1&#038;lt1=_blank&#038;m=amazon&#038;lc1=0000FF&#038;bc1=FFFFFF&#038;bg1=FFFFFF&#038;f=ifr&#038;npa=1" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0"></iframe></p>
<p><a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/07/28/cheat-codes-to-have-a-happy-marriage/">Cheat Codes To Have A Happy Marriage</a> is a post from: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com">Avani-Mehta.com</a>

Download & Share: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/downloads/1">The Fabulous Motivators E-Book</a>.</p>
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		<title>Beginner&#8217;s Guide To Being Decisive</title>
		<link>http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/07/17/beginners-guide-to-being-decisive/</link>
		<comments>http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/07/17/beginners-guide-to-being-decisive/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 18 Jul 2008 00:49:17 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Avani Mehta</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Featured]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Personal Power]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.avani-mehta.com/?p=73</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[A valuable guide for those wishing to become decisive. Read about what steps you can take right now and when you get stopped in the process of becoming decisive.<p><a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/07/17/beginners-guide-to-being-decisive/">Beginner&#8217;s Guide To Being Decisive</a> is a post from: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com">Avani-Mehta.com</a>

Download & Share: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/downloads/1">The Fabulous Motivators E-Book</a>.</p>
]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><img src="http://www.avani-mehta.com/wp-content/uploads/ArtOfNotMakingDecisions.jpg" alt="Beginner's Guide To Decision Making" /><br />
<em>Photo Courtesy of <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/exfordy/128576390/ target=">exfordy</a></em></p>
<blockquote><p><strong>If you don&#8217;t design your own life plan, chances are you&#8217;ll fall into someone else&#8217;s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much. &#8211; Jim Rohn</strong></p></blockquote>
<p>There is no doubt how easy life will turn out to be if we can make good decisions quickly and easily. I have found that the answer to &#8220;How to become decisive&#8221; is actually quite simple. If we follow the simple steps mentioned below, in no time we will get comfortable with entire decision making process and begin to make decisions with ease.</p>
<h4>My Story &#8211; From Indecisive To Decisive</h4>
<p>My journey of becoming a decisive person started with a simple concept I read in <em>Stephen Covey&#8217;s book &#8216;Seven Habits of Highly Effective People&#8217;</em>. Stephen said that we always have choices. While we might not consider certain choices because of consequences, the choices are always there. We are free to choose whatever we want to as long as we take responsibility for the consequences of that choice.</p>
<p>Most people find this liberating because it shows them how many choices they have. I found my liberation in the fact that if I am all right with the consequence, I can make any choice I like &#8211; I can decide what I want for myself without worrying about whether it is right or wrong.</p>
<p><strong>As a kid, this gave me a new kind of freedom.</strong></p>
<ul>
<li>Don&#8217;t want to finish up homework and keep notebook up-to-date? I can do so as long as I don&#8217;t mind losing some marks and get a complain in my school calendar.</li>
<li>Which book should I pick up to read? I can choose any I want as long as I am ok with it turning out to be bad.</li>
<li>Which ice-cream to eat? I can choose any flavour as long as I finish it for this time (It&#8217;s obvious if it doesn&#8217;t turn out good I will not order again).</li>
</ul>
<p>As I started making more decisions, I noticed that I was getting to know myself better. By experimenting I now know what do I really like and what I don&#8217;t. Having a personal choice/preferance definately makes decision making easier. And along with these, my decision making skills too had started to improve. I looked at the long term picture, started considering all possibilities and focussed on making the right decision everytime. As I look back, I realise now that being decisive doesn&#8217;t require any kind of science; atleast for beginners.</p>
<h4>In Order To Be Decisive, All You Need Is &#8230;</h4>
<ul>
<li><strong>Desire</strong><br />
A desire to make decisions and a decision to follow on with your desire. If you are not interested to find out how to be decisive, if you are not interested in applying the solutions, it is not going to work. You need to be motivated about becoming decisive. You need to be willing to put in the required effort. Nothing is going to happen on its own.</li>
<li><strong>Practice Area</strong><br />
Identify areas of your life where you can make beginners decisions &#8211; go buy groceries, go to a library, try to pick up a movie to watch &#8230; anything where you can exercise your decision making skills and the cost of being wrong might not be too huge.</li>
<li><strong>Analyze</strong><br />
A clear picture of pros and cons &#8211; what will happen if decision is right, what will happen if decision is wrong. If you have an adventurous spirit, you might feel like forgetting about the con part and tell yourself that whatever happens, you are ready for it. But I suggest don&#8217;t do so. You might not be able to forget the consequences always. Hence practice analyzing them.</li>
<li><strong>Follow the Cycle</strong><br />
And now follow the cycle : <strong><em>Practice &#8211; Reflect &#8211; Learn &#8211; Practice</em></strong></li>
</ul>
<p>Decision making for starters is really as simple as this. You will observe that as you practice these, you will start gaining confidence in your ability to make decisions. And in no time, you will become decisive about lot of things in life.</p>
<h4>Some Tips To Make Decision Making Faster And More Efficient &#8230;</h4>
<ul>
<li><strong>Be Pro-Active</strong><br />
Create opportunities to decide on something and commit. For instance, if you are invited for a party, don&#8217;t say you are not sure whether you will come or not. Commit to one thing. Preferably with time. And make sure you stay true to whatever you commit.</li>
<li><strong>Honour Your Word</strong><br />
Be a person with integrity &#8211; it is the essential ingredient in becoming decisive. Do what you said you would, by the time you said you would. Honour each commitment you make. For when you do so, you start trusting yourself. And it&#8217;s only when you trust yourself that you will trust your decisions.</li>
<li><strong>Start Small And Then Build Up</strong><br />
If you try practising your skills at too many places all at once, chances are you will get overwhelmed and drop the idea all together. Start small and then keep building upon it.</li>
<li><strong>Use Power of Language</strong><br />
Pay attention to what you say. If you find yourself saying something like &#8216;I guess I will go with this ..&#8217; , catch yourself and say &#8216;I decide to go with this&#8217;.</li>
<li><strong>Celebrate and Learn</strong><br />
Everytime you make good decisions, pat yourself. And if you make wrong ones, observe and learn from your mistakes. This will be a lifetime process since no one can make right decisions all the time. We learn and grow with every decision.</li>
<li><strong>Work On Your Timing</strong><br />
Improvise your timing with every decision you make. Try to make right decisions faster than before. The more quickly you decide, the more decisive you will become. Moreover, as your pace to decide increases, you will start feeling comfortable with making decisions. And it will not turn out be a chore.</li>
<li><strong>Hone Your Instincts</strong><br />
Notice that little voice in your head giving you inputs and providing you with feedback &#8211; listen to it. Gut feeling has it&#8217;s own logic. And that logic is often right. Go by your instincts and hone them by providing feedback for every decision you make with them. When you have to make real quick decisions, these can save you.</li>
</ul>
<h4>What To Do When Fear Raises It&#8217;s Head &#8230;</h4>
<p>As you begin your journey from being indecisive to decisive, one thing that will constantly obstruct you is fear &#8211; Fear of making making mistakes, fear of consequences, fear of letting someone down, fear of losing approval etc And all I can tell you is this -</p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Be Courageous</strong><br />
Don&#8217;t let your fears overpower you. It is all right to be nervous but don&#8217;t let that stop you. Don&#8217;t be afraid to make mistakes. It is the only way to learn. Have faith in your judgement and believe that whatever happens, you will take full responsibility for it. As you get comfortable embracing failures, you will start seeing decision making in a new light.</li>
<li><strong>Visualize</strong><br />
See yourself as a decisive person who believes in himself/herself. See yourself make the right decisions. The more you believe in yourself, the lesser your fear will become.</li>
<li><strong>Learn From Failures</strong><br />
No one can be right all the time. Given the way we have to make decisions &#8211; with limited time and limited info, sometimes, we are bound to make mistakes. Learn from them. These mistakes are your feedback. As you start seeing mistakes as feedback and not a judgement about you, fears will go down.</li>
<li><strong>Take Action</strong><br />
If there is one thing which has consistenly worked in driving fear away, it is taking action. Act on your decisions. The more you sit over them, the more fear will paralyze you. As you take action, fear will disappear.</li>
<li><strong>Start A Diary</strong><br />
Write down your experiences with decision making in a diary. Over a period of time, your positives and negatives will jump out of the page. They will be so obvious, that you will not have to put in any effort in finding them. And once you know where you are going wrong, it&#8217;s going to be easy to find a solution and grow. What you will also notice is that the consequences of making a mistake are really not as bad as you thought. Allow your fear of making mistakes and fear of consequences to go down.</li>
</ul>
<p>The more decisions you make, the more fear you face, the more confident you will become. And as you gain confidence, it is natural for you to branch out and test these skills in other areas of your life &#8211; Your life, career, health, relationships etc &#8211; the important and long term stuff. For these areas, you might want to learn different ways of making decisions.</p>
<h4>Some Popular Decision Making Techniques</h4>
<ul>
<li><strong>Basic Paper and Pen Technique<br />
</strong>Pick up a piece of paper and start writing. Write about your choices, your assumptions, your concerns, your fears, your analysis .. everything. Do not edit or judge anything you write. As you empty your mind on a piece of paper, you will gain clarity. And in this clarity, decision will come to you.</li>
<li><strong>Grid Analysis<br />
</strong>Grid Analysis is a very popular technique used for decision making when you have multiple alternatives and factors to consider. First list all your options and factors. List options as row labels and factors as column headings. Now for every option, give a &#8216;score&#8217; to the factor from 0(poor) to 3(very good). You now have everything neatly presented in a glance to figure out what to choose.</p>
<p>If you are thinking that this is good but not all factors are equally important, it&#8217;s a good thought. To ensure that each factor is considered based on their level of importance, &#8216;rate&#8217; them in numbers say from 0-10 or any other range you like. Now multiply &#8216;rate&#8217; with &#8216;score&#8217;.This will give them the correct overall weight in your decision. Finally add up the scores for your options. The option that scores the highest is the best.</p>
<p>Additional tip &#8211; you can also consider setting the factors which should be present, which should not be present, mandatory minimum/maximum values etc. Those which do not match up with these are eliminated upfront.</li>
<li><strong>Edward De Bono&#8217;s Six Thinking Hats Approach<br />
</strong>Six Thinking Hats will make you look at the alternatives from a 360 degree view. It makes you think about the option with multiple perspectives. Do you always think rationally? You might miss out on the emotional view point. Are you an optimist? You might miss out on the pessimistic view point. Each way of thinking helps you to analyze the problem differently. By putting yourself in place of the optimist, pessimist, rational, emotional, dreamer, salesman, consumer etc, you will be able to think through things from their angle. Each thinking hat is a different style of thinking. You can use them in your meetings or on your own. It&#8217;s a great technique to make people see view points other than their own.</p>
<div><strong>Following are The Six Thinking Hats:</strong></div>
<p><strong>1. White Hat<br />
</strong>Become a data lover, become an analyzer. Look at numbers, see what are they saying. Look at concrete facts and derive judgements out of it. Is there any area you have left untouched? Are there gaps in your knowledge? Try to fill them or take them into account. Discard everything other than logic.</p>
<p><strong>2. Red Hat<br />
</strong>Become an emotional person. How would a emotional person respond? How would they react? Forget the reasoning part. Emotions aren&#8217;t always logical. Feel, react, respond.</p>
<p><strong>3. Black Hat<br />
</strong>Play the devil&#8217;s advocate. Look at each option with a critical eye. What are it&#8217;s weaknesses? Why will this not work? What&#8217;s wrong with it? Sometimes, options drop out because we find some unacceptable negatives. For the rest, we know the weaknesses and we can keep contingency plans ready.</p>
<p><strong>4. Yellow Hat<br />
</strong>Think positively. Be an optimist. Look at everything going right. See the benefits, see the value. These work like great reminders and are quite motivational.</p>
<p><strong>5. Green Hat<br />
</strong>Get creative. Find new ideas, new possibilities. There is no room for judgement or criticism. This works well when you have to brainstorm some solutions.</p>
<p><strong>6. Blue Hat<br />
</strong>You will always have your blue hat on. It decides which other cap you are supposed to put on. Have data in hand? Put on White hat. Facing some problems? Put on Black Hat for contingency plans. Need some motivation? Put on the Yellow Hat. Blue Hat directs your way of thinking.</li>
<li><strong>Follow Your Heart</strong><br />
Follow Your Heart. It will not misdirect you. Complete your paper-pen approach, grid analysis, six thinking hat approach, any other technique you want to use. Tell yourself what the decision is. And see how you feel about it. If your heart goes down and you feel bad about it &#8211; then this is not the right decision for you. Even though logically it might make sense. Even though every reasoning points in that direction, if your heart is not in it, it is not right for you. Ask your heart what does it want. And follow it with faith. Your heart will never let you down.</li>
</ul>
<p><em><strong>Books On How To Be Decisive:</strong><br />
<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=avanimehta-20&#038;o=1&#038;p=8&#038;l=as1&#038;asins=096690320X&#038;md=10FE9736YVPPT7A0FBG2&#038;fc1=000000&#038;IS2=1&#038;lt1=_blank&#038;m=amazon&#038;lc1=0000FF&#038;bc1=FFFFFF&#038;bg1=FFFFFF&#038;f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0"></iframe><iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=avanimehta-20&#038;o=1&#038;p=8&#038;l=as1&#038;asins=0767908864&#038;md=10FE9736YVPPT7A0FBG2&#038;fc1=000000&#038;IS2=1&#038;lt1=_blank&#038;m=amazon&#038;lc1=0000FF&#038;bc1=FFFFFF&#038;bg1=FFFFFF&#038;f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0"></iframe><br />
<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=avanimehta-20&#038;o=1&#038;p=8&#038;l=as1&#038;asins=0385502257&#038;md=10FE9736YVPPT7A0FBG2&#038;fc1=000000&#038;IS2=1&#038;lt1=_blank&#038;m=amazon&#038;lc1=0000FF&#038;bc1=FFFFFF&#038;bg1=FFFFFF&#038;f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0"></iframe><iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=avanimehta-20&#038;o=1&#038;p=8&#038;l=as1&#038;asins=1573929344&#038;md=10FE9736YVPPT7A0FBG2&#038;fc1=000000&#038;IS2=1&#038;lt1=_blank&#038;m=amazon&#038;lc1=0000FF&#038;bc1=FFFFFF&#038;bg1=FFFFFF&#038;f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0"></iframe><br />
<iframe src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=avanimehta-20&#038;o=1&#038;p=8&#038;l=as1&#038;asins=1578515572&#038;md=10FE9736YVPPT7A0FBG2&#038;fc1=000000&#038;IS2=1&#038;lt1=_blank&#038;m=amazon&#038;lc1=0000FF&#038;bc1=FFFFFF&#038;bg1=FFFFFF&#038;f=ifr" style="width:120px;height:240px;" scrolling="no" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" frameborder="0"></iframe></em></p>
<p><em>
<ul><strong>Further Reading Elsewhere:</strong></p>
<li>Adam Sicinski&#8217;s <a href="http://www.studymatrixart.com/blog/adam-sicinski/edward-de-bono-6-thinking-hats-mind-map" target="_blank">6 Thinking Hats &#8211; Solving Life&#8217;s Complex Problems</a> at <a href="http://www.studymatrixart.com" target="_blank">Study Matrix Art</a></li>
<li>Shilpan Patel&#8217;s <a href="http://www.successsoul.com/2008/05/17/3-deadly-symptoms-of-indecision/" target="_blank">3 Deadly Symptoms of Indecision</a> at <a href="http://www.successsoul.com" target="_blank">Success Soul</a></li>
<li>Steve Pavlina&#8217;s <a href="http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2007/07/how-to-make-smart-decisions-in-less-than-60-seconds/" target="_blank">How to Make Smart Decisions in Less Than 60 Seconds </a> at <a href="http://www.stevepavlina.com" target="_blank">Steve Pavlina</a></li>
</ul>
<p></em></p>
<p><a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/2008/07/17/beginners-guide-to-being-decisive/">Beginner&#8217;s Guide To Being Decisive</a> is a post from: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com">Avani-Mehta.com</a>

Download & Share: <a href="http://www.avani-mehta.com/downloads/1">The Fabulous Motivators E-Book</a>.</p>
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