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Saying No – And Feeling Good About It
Photo Courtesy of Zara
One-half the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough. – Henry Wheeler Shaw
The art of saying no is a difficult but an essential skill to have if we want any kind of sanity in life. When I set out to develop this skill, I decided to simply start saying no whenever the opportunity arises. And well … most of times, I said no in my head and yes verbally or I said no and felt way too guilty for it. I felt bad saying no and denying a request. After all, that’s not what good people do.
Getting Your Context Straight
This is when the realization struck that the difficulty or ease of saying no is actually dependent upon the meaning I attach to ’saying-no’ or the context from which I say no. That is, when I say no, what does it say about me, what does it mean? The answer to this question determines whether I feel good about saying no or bad about it.
- Saying No Is An Option
One of the biggest breakthrough was realising this simple fact that saying no is an option as well. Whenever people come up with any kind of request, I am free to say yes to it and free to say no to it. Choice basically means that – freedom to say yes or no to something. If I didn’t have the option of saying no, then basically I don’t have a choice. But if I have a choice, then it means that ‘no’ is a good and acceptable answer as well. I am not doing anything wrong by saying no – just exercising my right to choose. - Being A Person Of Integrity
Being a person of integrity means that I always do what I said I would, by the time I said I would. It is very important for me to be a person who when commits to something will get it done. I take pride in the fact that people see me as a person who takes time to commit, but when commits, will not let down.To be a person of integrity means saying no sometimes. Saying no simply means that I want to stay true to my commitments, to things I have already said a yes to.
- Staying True To Priorities
One major reason for lack of clarity and confusion in life is that we don’t know what’s important to us. Our priorities guide us, they show us path to follow and play a major role in any kind of decision we make – including the decision to saying yes/no to something.To make it simpler, if you are clear from first about what will you say yes to and what will you say no to, wouldn’t then taking decision become easier?
Being clear about your priorities means saying no to things which are not on your priority list – which basically means saying yes only to things which are on your priority list.
- Every Yes Is A No & Every No Is A Yes
We might not like saying no to someone, but the truth is, whenever we say yes to one thing, we are saying no to something else as well. We have limited time and energy and unlimited choices. So obviously, we cannot say yes to everything. It’s just a matter of time when we max out and then have no choice but to say no.For instance, if by staying true to my priorities, I am saying no to someone, in the same no, I am also saying yes to my priorities. On the other hand, if I say yes to requests which are not aligned with my priorities, it also means that I am saying no to my priorities.
- Find Your Empowering Context
The ones mentioned above are simply some places from where I come, those are contexts from where I decide and say yes/no to someone/something. These contexts empower me and they make saying no easy because saying no seems like a very sensible to do then (it actually feels more like saying yes to what I have already commited). Create an empowering context for yourself and then simply run your options through it. Say yes only to those which fit in.
Learning To Say No
Once you start allowing yourself to say no and feel comfortable with ‘no’ as your decision, the next area to work upon is how to say no. We wish to say no without offending others, but still be firm on our decision. How to say no in a manner that people accept it and do not take any kind of offense? Some tips to keep in mind -
- Keep your no as short as possible.
- It’s all right if other person doesn’t understand/agree with your decision or priorities. You both have different motivations.
- Avoid using fake excuses / lies. It’s difficult to keep stories straight. Moreover, sometimes people give solutions to the problems you mention and then you are stuck up with no way to say no.
- Become a kind of middleman – say no, but help out in giving directions – like someone else who could fill in.
- Be firm. Be comfortable saying no repeatedly. Some people believe there is only n number of times one person can say no. Hence they keep pestering till they get a yes out of you.
- If you really wish to say yes but have time constraints, tell the person when can you make it.
- Make sure you understand thoroughly what you are getting into. Ask lot of questions if required.
- Sometimes what seems simple at first glance could be quite complicated.
- Ask for some time before coming back with a yes/no. This shows you took time to think over and it gives you time as well.
- Create your boundaries, share them and stick with them. Like family time, me time, no lending money to friends etc
- Be emphatic and tactful. Say no without hurting other persons feeling if possible.
- Practice – Reflect – Learn from your mistakes. It takes times getting a hang of saying no.
- Say no to those who don’t give you time to think, flatter you or play on your weakness to make you say yes.
- Some questions to ask youself before saying yes
- Do I have the time?
- Will I feel pressured to get it done?
- Will I be upset with myself?
- Will I be upset with the other person?
- Will I have to give up something to do this?
- People usually mirror how you feel about yourself. If you say no comfortably, feeling totally positive about yourself; they too will take your no in a similar manner
What are your tips on how to say no? Do share in the comments section.
Books On How To Say No:
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I find it hard to say “no” to requests. At the same time, I realize that there is only so much I can do. I like the idea of staying true to a defined set of priorities. I need some order to an otherwise stressful and chaotic schedule. Thanks for sharing your tips, Avani!
Evelyn Lim´s last blog post..What Enneagram Profile Type Am I?
Saying “No” when it is necessary is utmost important if we want to preserve our integrity. A clear and decisive “No” is better than and a feeble “yes”…… Our fullness should back our Decisions always… whether Yes or No…
Vijay Raisinghani´s last blog post..Anandmurti Gurumaa in UK
Just like Evelyn, this is something I struggle with – but I do realize I just can’t do it all.
It get’s easier with practice, and with more understanding of how to take care of yourself for sure. There are only so many hours in the day. This was a brilliant post Avani… Stumbled!
Davina´s last blog post..Creative Luny Landing In The Sand
Great post, Avani, and I love the choice of pic at the beginning to start things off.
Saying ‘no’ is a huge part of life. I’ve seen lots of people think that love always means being soft and squishy, but there’s also an aspect of each person, a spiritual backbone in a sense, that needs to be developed in addition to the kindness and friendliness aspect.
Great post. I’ve stumbled it as well.
Ariel – We Are All One´s last blog post..The Pathway of Subtraction
I often feel guilty about saying “no” as a result end up having too many things on my plate.
Good practical advice.
Shamelle -TheEnhanceLife´s last blog post..13 Ideas To Make Boring Jobs Bearable And A Little More Interesting
“No” can be hard for me to say. And yet, you’ve hit on examples that are very true – especially the integrity issue. If we say “yes” too much, we’ll never complete everything we have to do – and it affects our integrity – an important point for me to remember.
Thanks for writing this!
Lance´s last blog post..Regrets
Great post, Avani! When we think of staying in integrity, the most important part is being in integrity with ourselves. Saying yes to something we don’t want to do, for example, is stepping out of integrity with ourselves. After all, how can we bring more integrity into the world if we’re not true to ourselves?
Blessings,
Andrea
Andrea Hess|Intuition In Business´s last blog post..Expanding Your Financial Frame of Reference
Saying No can be very difficult – I don’t want to make anyone unhappy. I find that it gets easier as I get older. Right now I am struggling with one – I was asked to be the room parent in my daughter’s after school program. Part of me wants to say yes because it would get me more involved, daughter would be thrilled, and they haven’t been able to get anyone else to volunteer to do it. It also isn’t a very time-intensive job. But on the other hand I really don’t have time for anything else right now … I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit …
Kim Woodbridge´s last blog post..WordPress: How Has Blogging With WordPress Changed Your Life
Avani,
Wow, that was a great post. A common topic, but your entry is so well put-together.
The point that resonated with me is “yes is also a no, and no is also a yes.” Wow, I’ve never looked at it that way. By focusing on what I’m saying yes to I feel like I can find more courage, reason and confidence to say no to other things. When I realize that I’m saying yes to something more important, or more inline with my values, then I feel secure in saying no to other things.
ari
Ari Koinuma´s last blog post..The Only One Who Can Teach
The word “no” is empowering. It makes up 50% of how we define ourselves. We abdicate control of our life direction until we learn to say “no.”
John
John Rocheleau – Zen-Moments´s last blog post..Desire and Seduction: 7 Ways to Turn Your Life Around
What a good perspective!
I try to remember that doing something in a half hearted manner or doing something for the wrong reason is worse than saying “no”.
Maya´s last blog post..The key to happiness and balance is right with you, just learn to use it – Part 1 of the thinkmaya framework
Learning to say “no” seems to be a hot topic in the blogosphere lately. I appreciate reading your perspective on the subject.
Stacey / Create a Balance´s last blog post..Join the Life Balance Group Writing Project
@Evelyn: Priorities do create some kind of order in life, don’t they?
@Vijay: I agree. A yes should always be followed by a ‘yes in action and a no with ‘no’ in action.
@Vered: We always want to do so much more we can.
@Davina: Thank you for the stumble. It’s appreciated. Practice does make saying no easier.
@Ariel: I agree. Love is soft and squishy. But not always. Love is also hard and tough. Thank you for the stumble. It’s appreciated.
@Shamelle: That’s one reason why I wanted to learn saying no. So that I could manage my tasks. I don’t like getting overwhelmed with work and more than that, failing to doing something which I knew I shouldn’t have volunteered for in the first place.
@Lance: You are welcome. Even I cannot accept compromising on integrity.
@Andrea: So true. Reminds me of the quote by Gandhi – Be The Change You Want To See In The World
@Kim: Ah! these kind of situations are most difficult to deal with. Because we want to do something but can’t fit in. Thought of making space to fit the event in by asking someone else to help out with some other task? Sometimes this works wonders.
@Ari: This is one important point I was hoping people do get out of the article. The change of focus from no to yes does change the way we feel about saying no.
@John: That’s an important point. If we allow things to happen to us, they can takeover our lives.
@Maya: I agree, it’s a waste of time to not do something right. Not fair to us and not fair to others as well.
@Stacey:
Seems we all have the same muses. It’s a small world.
Hi Avani: I would add that you could ask for a quid pro quo: I can help you with this, but I’m going to need help from you with this other task. That way, you’re giving away some of your time now, but you should get it back when the other person helps you with a task that you would have had to do on your own. It also helps to create a more balanced friendship or work relationship if there is a balance, instead of one person always helping out the other one.
Marelisa´s last blog post..Three Incredibly Effective Creativity Techniques
@Marelisa: I like this idea. Helps to stay balanced, keep relationships balanced, and helps to avoid resentment from building up.
Hi there Avani – I have had to learn to say “no”, too.
At a personal-development workshop I did once, we did a yes-no exercise, where we stood there and said the words “yes” and “no” to each other – it was really interesting to see our reactions. Cheers!
Robin´s last blog post..Why We Want To Live
@Robin: That’s sounds like an awesome exercise. I tried imagining how it would have gone and realise that people would feel bad saying no when they are saying no to nothing as well
Hi Avani, yes you’ve done a very thorough job of examining this topic.
I especially enjoyed reading your advice of “keep your no as short as possible.” I agree the other person is not necessarily due an explanation unless they have the courage to ask for one.
My tips? I examined it from a little different perspective in this post.
http://www.delightfulwork.com/2008/07/25/no-thank-you/
Tom Volkar / Delightful Work´s last blog post..Why Don’t We Use What We Already Know?
Great post Avani. I really like your points about integrity and priorities. Priorities truly are the foundation of of being able to say no. The yes’s and no’s are a result of what we have already said is important to us.
I used to have a really hard time saying no or saying what I wanted until I learned the skill of assertiveness. I then felt so empowered. I can still become better at it, but have come a looong way. I wrote a guest post at The Positivity Blog called “6 Steps to Become Assertive (and Nice)” that explains it well. It’s liberating and life changing. http://tinyurl.com/5azdke
Again, great post! I’m off to stumble it now.
Jennifer´s last blog post..The Interview Continues…
Avani says it beautifully again!!
“Say NO, till your tongue starts bleeding”
I read this somewhere, and realized it actually bleeds when we start using the word “NO”
But yes, it does pay when you learn this ART, you actually get rid of many unwanted troubles, and the ways mentioned to say NO are just enough to deal with every situation.
A “NO” with a little advise is always great except when the person on the opposite side is in a real big mess as it can add to the troubles.
@Tom: When someone gives too much explanation, it seems as if he/she is feeling guilty about saying no and chances are high that with a bit prodding, he/she will agree to the request. Hence I say keep it short, it appears more definitive.
@Jennifer: I had thoroughly enjoyed that post of yours. It provides a lot of value.
@Abhishek: Unwanted advice always is troublesome, isn’t it?
Hi Avani – these are fab tips. I like your idea of saying now – but recommending someone else who could do whatever. That makes you feel like you’re helping without saying yes.
I used to suck at saying no – but the older you get, the easier it seems to become. I guess that’s cos you know how exhausting your life is going to be, if you agree to everything folk want from you.
My favorite part of this is that you tied “no” to integrity. I completely agree. Keeping your word–and not stretching yourself so thin that you can’t help anybody meaningfully–is the essence of integrity, and it’s impossible without “no.” I love that connection!
Sara at On Simplicity´s last blog post..Three Experiences You’d Like to Have
@Cath: Experience is the best teacher, isn’t it?
@Sara: That connection also helps us understand that saying no is right. We are not doing anything wrong by saying no. Only maintaining our integrity.
Thanks for this post. I’ll add that one practice I’ve found useful in saying “no” is removing the labels from the sensations I feel when I’m refusing somebody’s request. In other words, many of us think of the feelings that come up in our bodies when we say “no” — maybe a tension in our shoulders, for instance — as bad or wrong. But when we recognize those feelings for what they are — “nothing more than feelings” — we become more comfortable with refusal. — Best, Chris
The author is right. Saying NO is your human right! People usually manipulate people who tend to always say yes to their demands.You are under no such obligation to take on the the problems of manipulative vampires.It’s better to recognize TOXIC individuals and to let them no in no uncertain terms that you mean NO! N.O. two letters.Comprende?
Friendship should be a ship of mutual respect. A person doesn’t respect another person (that always says yes to their demands).For the love of God and all that there is in heaven …Learn to say NO!. Mean it. Don’t stress yourself about it.You can be firm without bending.and if the toxic person should continue to behave like a rude child . Leave the situation and the toxic person alone to wallow in their selfish , childish behavior.Respect yourself. Demand respect.Expect positive behavior.And correct negative behavior and or distance yourself.
Really nice writeup and tips. Re: saying no, there’s also the common option of ‘not my responsibility’. If you’re asked to do something, sure there are times when it may not be your responsibility, but you do it anyway. The flip side of this is when you’re asked to do something, and simply don’t have the time. ‘Not my responsibility’ can be a lifesaver in this scenario.
Dave´s last blog post..Korean Government serious about Games -$200m serious
Yes We can. Just today, I refused to go with Dad because He blamed Me for something which I had nothing to do about. I felt angry. So I decided saying no riding the car with Him. And I feel great. I feel brave. And I was safe. I think that if We learn to say no, We’ll like Ourselves better. And when We do, We’ll start doing more things which are important for Us. We’ll also get Our basic rights. I believe We have to do this. It is truly empowering. I hope this inspires You to say No. Practice. Soon, We’ll be good and We’ll feel great. I’ll pray for You, for this goal. Pray for Me too.
GodblesS You All! The Lord says, “Be Brave and Strong.” So no more worries, fears, or excuses. Let’s Go!!! We’re safe.
I’m a YES MAN!!!
Thanks for teaching me say ‘NO’…
Great post.