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Honor Your Anger Style
Anger Management Series provides self help material to deal with anger. It raises and answers questions like – how to control anger, how to become anger-free etc. It attempts to do so by understanding anger, putting together varied anger management strategies and reviewing books on the same subject.
[Click here for Part I : Decoding Anger]
[Click here for Part II : How Did We Form Our Current Anger Management Style]
[Click here for Part III : Kaizen Way of Managing Anger]
[Click here for Part IV : How To Pick Your First Anger Management Area]
Honor Your Anger Style
Book Review
Everyone has issues and concerns about anger. Some people need help in managing anger that gets out of control; others need help in accessing buried anger. Some take anger that is meant for one person out on innocent people, while others take their anger out on themselves. Instead of confronting the people with whom they are angry, they become self-destructive in some way—by overeating or binge eating, smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol or taking drugs, or relentlessly bombarding themselves with self-criticism. Others pretend they aren’t angry but then get back at those who hurt or threaten them in indirect, often underhanded ways, such as gossiping, being sarcastic, or distancing themselves. Unless you find healthy ways of owning and expressing your anger, it will find some outlet that might be inappropriate, unhealthy, or counterproductive.
And so starts the book ‘Honor Your Anger: How Transforming Your Anger Style Can Change Your Life
What the book does instead is show us how to embrace anger. It provides with a step by step guide to discover our ‘anger style’ and learn to use anger as a force for positive change.
The anger styles mentioned in the book are :
- Unhealthy Styles : Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive and Projective-Aggressive
- Healthy Styles : Assertive and Reflective
If you are worried about how are you supposed to figure out what your anger management style is to begin with, don’t. The entire book is filled with real life examples to help us understand the concepts and ideas Ms Engel has mentioned. With help of those examples not only will you be able to identify your own anger style, but also of others. ‘Honor Your Anger: How Transforming Your Anger Style Can Change Your Life
Part I of the book focuses on understanding varied anger styles, identifying which one is ours and how is it impacting our life and life of our loved ones.
Part II focusses on how can we change our anger style from an unhealthy one to a healthy one. It has one chapter dedicated to each unhealthy style and how to go about dealing with it and changing it.
Part III was a total bonus for me since I didn’t expect it. Part III talks about how can we deal with angry people who have the unhealthy anger styles mentioned above. And then some more – How to fight, how to apologize, forgive and how to honor others anger management style.
About The Author:
Beverly Engel is the best selling author of eighteen self-help books. She is a psychotherapist and is an internationally recognized expert in the fields of abuse, women’s issues, relationships, and sexuality. She has shared her expertise on many national television programs, including: CNN, Oprah!, Sally Jesse Raphael, Ricki Lake, and Leeza.
What Are The Critics Saying:
“This book made me angry! Why couldn’t Ms. Engel have written it years ago when it would have helped me through difficult times? Honor Your Anger: How Transforming Your Anger is a clearly written, insightful look at a topic that concerns everyone. You can indeed learn to understand and manage your anger, and this book will show you how.” – Robert Epstein, Ph.D., West Coast Editor, Psychology Today
This is Part V of Anger Management Series. Stay Tuned for Part VI.
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Hi Avani. I’m finally caught up on this series. You’ve done an excellent job. I’ve decided that after reading this series that my biggest challenge with anger is to honour it. I very often don’t feel I have a right to feel or be angry.
@Davina: Wow, I didn’t expect you to read through the entire series so fast. Am glad my writing could provide some value to you. It’s great you have picked up an area to focus on. What’s your next step going to be?
Over the years, my biggest accomplishment has been “decoding” the anger. I was like Davina, always in denial, since I inherently believed that I had no right to get angry. Now, I am struggling with how to deal with “anger in relationships” …I seem to do okay with managing anger within myself, but when it involves other people who are not willing to listen, my strategy just fails….and fails miserably…and affects relationships. Perhaps part 3 of this book will help with that? What do you think?
You have gotten me working pretty hard with respect to my anger the past couple of weeks
This reminds me of the idea that ‘what your resist, persists.’ Felix Denis, in his wonderful book ‘How to be Rich’ speaks about overcoming fear by facing it and then befriending it – a similar idea. It also reminds me of Anthony de Mello’s writing about embracing your demons. I think this idea can be applied to just about anything.
@Maya: Overall, this is how the book with help you with relationships : it will help you identify what anger type is the other person coming from and there are some specific pointers given while dealing with people from each anger type.
However, when in conflict, a lot of other things also come into picture which the book doesn’t cover – like dealing with difficult people, own self esteem etc.
@Effortless Abundance: I love concepts which can be applied everywhere. Once we put in effort to understand the concept, then we can tweak it to apply everywhere. Makes more sense than learning strategies for each and everything separately. I love the concept of ‘what you resist, persists’. Came across it in a Landmark Education programme I had attended.
Thank you for the “snapshots” it helps to get a good picture of the book. Very good! “assertive and reflective” is the goal.
Hi Avani – This sounds like a really helpful book. As you say, most anger management books are aimed at folk in abusive relationships etc. But at least this author recognises that “normal” people get angry too.
Understanding anger is so crucial. Without the understanding of where it originate we will only be treating a symptom that is acted out in some other way. It appears that this book has a grasp on that.
I like how you brought out that it teaches you how to use anger as a source for positive change.
Thank you for the review. Sounds like an interesting read.
Anger is such an important topic Avani, both for people who are consumed with anger and end up lashing out at others, as for those who swallow their anger and end up adopting harmful behaviors such as food, shopping, gambling, and other addictions. I believe that the best way to handle anger is to identify why you’re angry, find a way to release the uncomfortable tension caused by anger (Sedona Method, EFT, massage, go for a walk, and so on), and then take calm and assertive action to address the issue that caused the anger in the first place.
@M: You are welcome. Yes, assertive and reflective is the goal.
@Cath: My thoughts exactly. Normal anger too needs to be handled well. Why wait till it becomes extreme.
@Jennifer: It always makes sense to deal with the source rather with the symptoms, doesn’t it?
@Vered: You are welcome Vered. Yes, it’s interesting.
@Marelisa: I agree – release anger and deal with the cause.