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Anger Management Series provides self help material to deal with anger. It raises and answers questions like – how to control anger, how to become anger-free etc. It attempts to do so by understanding anger, putting together varied anger management strategies and reviewing books on the same subject.

[Click here for Part I : Decoding Anger]

[Click here for Part II : How Did We Form Our Current Anger Management Style]

As we stay with the question – ‘What would I like my anger management style to be’, usually we focus on finding out what is wrong about the way we manage anger currently. And then, simply decide to go to the other extreme style of anger management. That is, people who withdraw when in anger, decide to become assertive and those who are aggressive decide to handle anger calmly.

This strategy does make sense but making a jump this big in one go is overwhelming and difficult to achieve. Asking a shy person to suddenly become assertive and a hyper aggressive person to become calm and patient is almost like asking for miracles. These changes do happen but gradually. And sometimes, these kind of changes are not needed.

Yes, overhauling anger management style completely is not needed. Because, no matter what your anger management style is, there will be something in it that you are doing right. We don’t want to change that part. We just want to improve areas which are problematic or rather should I say not upto satisfactory level. And this means, there will be no drastic changes in the way you manage anger, there will be no drastic changes in your personality type.

My Way Of Forming Anger Management Style – The Kaizen Way

When I decided to change the way I dealt with anger, I didn’t plan on changing it completely. All I wanted was to manage it better. For this reason, there was no big plan or end goal in mind. I moved in baby steps. My cycle of change even today is like this -

Cycle Of Change

• Evaluate the way I manage anger
• Find out how could I have managed it better
• Pick up one concrete step I can take the next time I get angry
• Practice till I get that step easily
• Evaluate the way I manage anger
• And the cycle continues.

There is a Japanese concept which speaks about this process – Kaizen - Constant and Never Ending Improvement. Kaizen is exactly what I follow (and what I am asking you to follow) – Constantly seek to improve your anger management stye; keep working on it.

Get Into A Reflective Mode

I don’t know how common this is. But for me, every time I lose temper, it becomes a time for self reflection – Did I manage anger well? Am I satisfied with the way I dealt with the situation? Was there a need to get angry? Why did I get angry? Could I have managed not getting angry? … these are just a few questions I think of in reflective mode. And it is because of this self-reflective mode that I now understand anger (management) and of course, I get my answer to the ever green question – how could I have handled this situation better.

As you seek to improve your anger management style, do ask these questions to yourself often. The answers that you get will become your guide and show you the path to better anger management.

The Two Keys Of Anger Management

However, there is one important distinction I would like to share with you before you begin with The Kaizen Way of managing anger. This distinction will speed you up considerably. And that distinction is ‘Two Keys Of Anger Management’

Managing The Anger Emotion

Managing the anger emotion focuses on dealing with emotion of anger in varied forms -

• Redirecting anger,
• Controlling anger,
• Releasing anger and
• Avoiding anger provocation as much as possible.

You might be required to manage the anger emotion in either way. The first priority is to not get angry. If you do get angry, you will then have a need to release it as soon as possible in healthiest form. If releasing anger for time being is not possible, then we focus on redirecting it to something else. And of course, sometimes we don’t have an option, we simply have to control our anger for time being and deal with the situation.

Managing The Source Of Anger

Managing the source of anger focuses on dealing with the cause of anger. Releasing anger relieves us of the pain and discomfort we feel when in anger. However, this is just half task done. Dealing with the source of anger ensures that we have resolved the situation completely and decreased chances of similar anger inducing situations coming up again. The scope again here is huge because anyone and anything can be the source of anger. As we identify different sources, we have to learn/develop varied skills to deal with the source.

Some things that I have learned/improved in the process of dealing with the source of anger -

• Communication Skills
• Staying Organized
• Releasing Anger
• Monitoring thoughts

Sometimes we need to deal with the source of anger to be able to release the anger emotion and sometimes, we have to work on releasing anger since that itself has become the source. It doesn’t matter what part you pick up first as long as you can deal with it and manage not hurting yourself or others in the process.

The distinction of two keys is important because often we focus on one of these two keys and forget about the other one completely. And then we wonder, why are we going in circles, why aren’t things getting better. Now we have a clear picture that to deal with anger we need to do two important things – release the emotion and deal with the source. Consider it as a form of checklist after every encounter with anger. If we miss out on either of these two keys, they will come back later and bite us.

This is Part III of Anger Management Series. Stay Tuned for Part IV.

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Update : How To Pick Your First Anger Management Area – Anger Management Series Part IV