Subscribe:
Hi, I'm 
Decoding Anger
Anger Is Never Without A Reason, But Rarely A Good One – Benjamin Franklin
Photo Courtesy Of Image Editor
You Will Not Be Punished For Your Anger, You Will Be Punished By Your Anger – Buddha
Anger Management Series provides self help material to deal with anger. It raises and answers questions like – how to control anger, how to become anger-free etc. It attempts to do so by understanding anger, putting together varied anger management strategies and reviewing books on the same subject.
Emotions fascinate me. Since years now I have been observing how thoughts and actions increase/decrease intensity of our emotions. Take anger as an example for this article; I am fascinated to see how by some thoughts my anger subsides and by others it turns into uncontrollable rage. I am amazed how some actions could diminish my anger and some actions, like fuel, increase the fire within me, and burn all routes to constructive thinking, problem solving and rationalizing.
Since I have been observing and experimenting with my thoughts and actions for years, I know, what works and does not work for me with respect to anger. And I strongly suggest you do the same. Understand anger with respect to you. Because, in that understanding, lies the key to express and deal with anger effectively.
Of course, using this strategy for anger management will not produce instant results. But anger once simplified, will cease being a mystery for you. Rather than using all anger management strategies available to you, you can then pick and choose which strategy to use.
I Keep Six Honest Serving-Men;
They Taught Me All I Knew,
Their Names Are What And Why And When;
And How And Where And Who.
- Rudyard Kipling
What Makes You Angry & Why? Answer Once. And Then Answer Again And Again
Anger is a form of feedback. It is a feedback that you believe something unfair is happening to you. Whether this is for real or not is a separate question all together; but for you this is real. So question yourself, what happened that you are angry about and why are you angry about it? And answer in terms specific to you.
The same event (what) that angers you might not anger someone else. Because your interpretation and someone else’s interpretation of the situation is different. So why are you angry? What do you believe is happening with you that is making you angry? Keep asking this question again and again and jot down as many answers as you get. In the beginning, you might feel a lot of resistance. Work towards answering the question even then.
For instance, what happened – your kid keeps his room messy and doesn’t clean up after you tell him a 100 times and you get angry. ‘Why are you angry’?
- He is keeping the room messy
- He does not listen to you
- He ignores you
- You hate mess. Seeing mess makes you angry
- You feel not heard, unvalidated.
- You feel that by not doing what you ask him to, he is showing disrespect.
- You are worried that if a guest drops by, this messy room would be a reflection of you
- Rooms are supposed to be kept clean, he should understand this.
- Messy rooms reminds you of some hurt in your past. This hurt triggers anger
… the list could go on. Till you don’t figure out, what’s the real reason, continue the question ‘Why are you angry’. And see how many reasons you can come up with. The real reason will always be about you.
Who Makes You Angry?
Who are you truly angry at? Is it the person you are blaming for your anger or someone else ? Do you remove your work related frustration on your family? Are you impatient and angry with your collegues because of some personal family matters? Sometimes, people are just unlucky to cross you on a wrong day at a wrong time.
Who are you truly angry at? Is it you who you are angry at? But because you can’t remove anger on yourself, you remove it on others. Do you remove anger those who take all anger treatment you give them because they are afraid of you or they love you? Do you direct all your anger towards one person you know you are safe to be angry with?
When & Where Do You Get Angry?
Sometimes, we are prone to anger in specific time or place – early in the morning, late in the evening, noon time, breakfast table, living room, in car during peak hours etc. Of course, it’s not time/place that makes us angry, but it’s a big signal that something is consistently going wrong over there which we need to pay attention to.
Is it early morning at breakfast table? Could be you are always hurried, running each minute to finish task and reach office on time. Or maybe you are tired and still sleepy, droopy because of lack of sleep.
Is it late in the evening in living room? Could be you are tired, exhausted from your long work day. You want to relax but are bugged to find loads of work to do. You expect quiet time, but your house is filled with noise – television, phone calls, kids playing etc.
When and where are both different questions to be answered separately. However, since the logic of asking them overlaps, they have been put together to avoid repetition.
How Do You Get Angry?
Your mind moves from a non-anger to anger mode and then manages to stay in anger for a long time. The event which triggered anger got over in a few seconds. But anger persists in mind. This proves that you have a major role to play in how you become angry. You have to think certain thoughts, take certain actions to get angry. What are these thoughts and actions?
How you get angry is a chain of small processes – think this, feel that, act like this, think like that … it’s cyclical and fast. At first, you don’t have to do anything except watch your mind make you angry. See how it works, what memory it triggers, what weaknesses of yours does it use, what conclusions it jumps to. Don’t think, analyze or try to stop this process for time being. Don’t reason with it’s logic. Simply observe and know what it does.
The more you do this, the more conscious you will become of this entire process. With time, you will be able to catch yourself at start of the process effortlessly. This is when you get the power to direct mind in a new direction and create better processes for yourself.
Are You Really Angry?
We all have our own comfort level with different emotions. Sometimes, when we feel uncomfortable with feelings of guilt, shame, hurt etc we jump to anger. We train ourselves to become angry in case any of these emotions rise – because we are not comfortable with them and wish to deny them. In this case, anger is really not the first reaction that we gave to stimuli. It is just a preferred way to projecting another emotion. Anger is also known as a secondary emotion in this case.
The more you stay with and answer these questions, the better you will know yourself and your anger. With enough information you will be able to understand and diagnose the real reason for your anger. And correct diagnosis will ofcourse lead to correct method of anger treatment.
This is Part I of Anger Management Series. Tune in next week for Part II.
To ensure that you do not miss any part of this series, consider subscribing to RSS Feed or Email Updates for free.
Update : How Did You Form Your Current Anger Management Style – Anger Management Series Part II
Like the article? Subscribe for Free Get new articles directly in your Inbox / RSS Reader.
I laughed when I read the quote by Rudyard Kipling. What an interesting way of putting across on anger management techniques! I was told that it would be silly to dwell too much on the whys. The answer invariably remains the same. Why am I angry? Answer: Because I created it!
Evelyn Lim’s last blog post..10 Insights Into The Power Of Thoughts
Rudyard Kipling succinctly explained the essence of a happy life. You are becoming quite good blogger now Avani.
-Shilpan
@Evelyn: I loved Rudyard Kipling’s quote. Quite a co-incidence, I found this quote today when I was wondering what quote would fit this article well. This one is a perfect match.
@Shilpan: Indeed he does. I found that quote to be a great reminder of everything we need to consider before taking any decision as well. Thank you for the encouragement. I appreciate it.
I have to be honest and say that I don’t do anger well. I shrink when people around me are angry. My mother was an angry person (she couldn’t help it), but it wasn’t pretty. I try to avoid getting angry, but that’s not healthy either; nor is it possible for me
. Anger is a defense mechanism and has been labelled as a mask for other underlying issues such as fear.
This a very thought provoking post Avani. I look forward to the rest of the series.
Davina’s last blog post..My Turn To Be Seen
Avani-Mehta that’s a really good post.
My only slight doubt is with the use of the word why. The What Makes You Angry & Why scenario can work, but not for everybody. It can throw some people into a downward spiral of self-loathing. What if we decided we didn’t care what caused the anger, but only in dealing with it and asked:
What makes you angry and how can you avoid that? or
What makes you angry and what can you do differently? or even
What makes you angry and is there a different way to look at thae situation that empowers you?
It is so weird that I wrote a post about the ‘why’ word yesterday because I’m not even sure I’m ‘right’ on this, or even if there is a right and wrong. It does throw the debate wide open though and maybe what it suggests we really need is flexibility of approach.
Looking forward to reading what you have to say in part 2.
Cheers
Tim
Tim Brownson’s last blog post..Two Little Words To Change Your Life
Hi Avani – There’s some great advice here. It’s interesting that you mentioned that anger is sometimes caused because a situation reminds you of something that’s happened to you in the past.
That kind of thing has happened to me before. And although I didn’t think about it at the time, I did afterwards. Next time – I’ll be trying out your tips. Thanks.
Avani, this is a terrific post! I really appreciated it. It gives me some ways to increase awareness.
It’s very interesting to note that anger is the #1 addiction – yes, #1 – above drugs and alcohol. These two are actually pretty far down the list. Anger does tell us so much about ourselves – so much. Learning what to do with it can go very far.
I love these sentences: “You have to think certain thoughts, take certain actions to get angry. What are these thoughts and actions?”
Thoughts always come before feelings and actions. We just typically aren’t aware of them. That’s why I love the series so much that I am doing now on thinking errors.
Look forward to the next part of the series.
Jennifer’s last blog post..Change Your Life – One Thought at a Time – Part 2
A good tip to let all your frustration out is to go into the bathroom, close the door and clap to ten really hard! It works great!!!!!
Ananya’s last blog post..Love Muscle at Work
It is my opinion that they should teach anger management classes in high school. Seriously. It’s an important skill and not necessarily something everyone has naturally.
Vered’s last blog post..Thank You For Smoking
The very first thing I had to learn was that it is OKAY to become angry. I was raised in a household where angry was never witnessed, and we were discouraged from expressing it. Not good! It took me years to understand that anger is actually healthy, because as you point out, it is actually feedback and can be used for growth. In the first 4 months with the Urbane Lion, I actually experienced anger on a regular basis. What I did though, was immediately take myself off to a quiet place and ask myself why I was angry. In ALL cases it was because I was ‘hearing’ my previous partner. In some cases this instantly dissolved my anger. In other cases, it calmed me down enough to go clarify what the Lion’s intent was in what he said or did.
Urban Panther’s last blog post..The cost of relationships
Avani: This post reminds me of a quote from “A Course in Miracles” which roughly says: “You’re not angry for the reason you think you are.” You suggest an interesting approach to deal with anger here. I think anger is a signal that you’re perceiving that your boundaries are being violated. When you feel anger I think you should find a method to subside the anger so that you can think about what is causing the anger and how to react with a cool head. I personally use the Sedona Method to release the pressure of negative emotions so that I can think in a more clear-headed manner. I enjoyed this post!
Marelisa’s last blog post..Lessons to Teach Your Children (Part 1)
Very nice article Avani. If we can better understand our anger, we can better manage it. And that’s important. I liked your list of what makes you angry. That’s a real thinking exercise. I will try to use it the next time I find myself in that situation.
@Davina: As we start understanding anger, and seek to answer these questions every time we get angry, our anger time starts reducing. I believe it’s because we realise that anger is misdirected or not needed or there is a better way than getting angry.
@Tim: There are times when we need a why and there are times we don’t. As you mention, it has to be flexible. If the root cause is deeply embedded within us, it would make sense to ask why and understand the real cause. Since otherwise, we would be treating symptoms and not the main cause.
However, most of times, we can get by without asking why. And that infact would be great because rather than focussing on past, we are focussing on what can we do today – this kind of thinking is very productive.
I read an excellent book on solution oriented way of thinking – Do One Thing Different by Bill O’Hanlon. Do check it out.
@Cath: Happens to all of us. Due to past associations, we see and interpret things the way they are not.
@Jennifer: Yes, we do get increasingly aware of our thoughts, reasonings and feelings with these questions. I am looking forward to read more of your series as well. Anything to do with increasing thought power gets my attention.
@Ananya: Loved your tip. This one is even better than counting till 10. Just thinking … for people who get easily angry … rushing to bathroom all the time would look so funny
@Vered: I agree. There are so many life skills I wish I had learnt in school – finance, anger management, managing relationships, personal happiness.
@Urban Panther: Your journey must have been really tough. It’s crazy, so many times we get out of bad situations but keep living them and their associations for lifetime.
@Marelisa: I have been hearing about Sedona method a lot. Will make it a point to find out what it’s all about. I like the line : “You’re not angry for the reason you think you are.” this is true in so many other situations as well.
@Lance: The list is not exhaustive. The more we think, the more reasons we find. What’s interesting is, we usually use same pattern to get angry. So, if we fix the pattern, we make a huge jump in dealing with anger.
Avani, very thought provoking post and you have some excellent suggestions. To me, the problem is not the anger itself. We should not stop that or try to limit it. Anger is a feeling and there is no point in trying to mess too much with our feelings, they are valuable ways that we learn and grow.
The problem is how people express their anger and release it. That is where the control is important so the expressions and emotions where one yells, hits, insults, belittles or retaliates to others are all signs of anger. That is where the problem lies, not in the anger itself. I’m definitely interested in reading the rest of your series to see where you take this. I think I would have a lot to say on the subject as well if I took a few more minutes to think about it….
Mike King’s last blog post..Determining and Sharing Your Core Values
Hi Avani,
I love that exercise of continually asking yourself “why”. It’s amazing how if we keep asking, we’ll eventually get to the root of our anger.
Great post!
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..Plugins, Questions and Open Mic