Photo Courtesy of Hamed Masoumi
To Keep A Fire Burning Brightly, There’s One Easy Rule:
Keep The Logs Together, Near Enough To Keep Warm And Far Enough Apart For Breathing Room.
Good Fire, Good Marriage, Same Rule. – Marnie Reed Crowel
I learnt a simple principle while learning to cook – salt adds flavour and taste to food. And so happy I was to find the magic of making good food, I promptly added the right amount of salt to my meal. And then; Alas some more!
What was to be a sumptous meal became inedible; because I over-used the right ingredient. In my desire to make a delicious meal, I excessively used the right ingredient.
This is so much in parallel with the way marriage works I thought. The simple principles of marriage I learnt are so much like salt – essential to have a happy marriage but disastrous in excess.
I share with you two salts of happy marriage; Use them to have a successful and happy marriage, a loving and wonderful marriage but … use them the right way.
The Two Salts Of A Happy Marriage
– When Too Much Of A Good Thing Makes A Marriage Go Bad
1. In Love, In Marriage, Two People Become One
Marriage Is When A Man And Woman Become As One; The Trouble Starts When They Try To Decide Which One.
Two people become one in love and marriage – they love self and their partner equally. There is no distinction in the way they love and care for themselves and the way they love and care for their partner. There is no distinction in heart and mind when we think of self and our partner. And this is how it should be.
We are one with our spouse – we live our lives together, we share our joys and sorrows. We share our dreams and goals, we work together to achieve them. We rejoice together with every dream come true, we grieve together for all losses. We live so much of each others life that they truly become one.
Two people become one in love and marriage – and then they think they have actually become one. They try to spend all time together, not leaving time for family and friends. They try to do all activities together, and not focus on those which only one of them likes. Soon they find they lose some friends and drop away some hobbies – unknowingly one day at a time. They forget to focus on themselves as well.
And now suddenly it seems as if, both people aren’t who they were when they fell in love and got married. And both of them miss that part of each other and themselves.
Food For Mind:
- What does “Two people become one” mean to you?
- How has your life changed after marriage?
- How have you changed after marriage?
- Do you still have your old friends with you?
- Do you pursue your hobbies and interests which do not overlap with your partner’s?
- Do you strive to spend all the time together with your partner?
- What are you postponing or avoiding because they do not include your partner?
- Do you share your life, your dreams and desires with your partner?
- Do you allow your partner to be a part of your life?
A relationship is formed between two people; so is marriage. In marriage, there is a “you”, a “me” and a “us”. Neither relationship, nor marriage can survive without the “you”, the “me” and the “us”. All are required and essential for the marriage to work well.
2. In Love, In Marriage, You Get To Be Yourself
All Married Couples Should Learn The Art Of Battle As They Should Learn The Art Of Making Love. Good Battle Is Objective And Honest – Never Vicious Or Cruel. Good Battle Is Healthy And Constructive, And Brings To A Marriage The Principle Of Equal Partnership. – Ann Landers Says Truth Is Stranger…, 1968
In love, in marriage, you get to be yourself – there is no need to hide behind a mask as we sometimes do in the world, no need to put on a happy face when heart is crying out, no need to fake strength when we are feeling weak within, no need to hide our faults in fear of rejection or being ridiculed. For when you love, you love the other for who they are and who they are not. There is no judgement of you, only whole hearted unconditional acceptance.
And in this acceptance and love, you are free to be who you truly are. You are free to vocalize your inner thoughts, your desires and fears, you are free to believe you will be loved doesn’t matter if you are going through tough times, some fights, some moodiness. You will be loved even if you are not perfect in your own eyes.
In love, in marriage, you get to be yourself – to some this means they are free to be rude when they are in a hurry, free to be angry when inconvenienced, free to lash out and hurt the other because they are hurting, free to speak own thoughts aloud without thinking how it would affect the loved one.
And then, they think where has the magic gone away. Why are there so many fights, so many hurts and misunderstandings. Why did two people who loved each other so much, suddenly feel differently about each other.
Food For Mind:
- Do you feel free to be you in the relationship?
- Are you scared of being judged and rejected/not loved?
- How do you treat your partner in tough times?
- Are you courteous enough? Do you show respect to your partner?
- Are you considerate and understanding?
- How do you deal with anger and frustrations?
- How does your negative mood impact the way you treat your partner?
- Is ‘Thank You’, ‘Sorry’ and ‘Please’ a part of your regular vocab?
You are free to be you in a marriage but not free to treat the other whatever way you like. To respect, to love, to understand, be considerate are laws of any relationship. You cannot break them and assume nothing will change.